the "i have no restraint and bought five similar lipsticks" haul

jeffree star gemini rose matter colourpop bumble frick n frack creeper dove red head cami back up

I'll admit, it's been a while since I got a some new makeup. Sure, I ordered Jeffree Star's Peach Goddess when that came out, but it's been a while since I've bought enough to warrant a haul. This was kind of a tiny haul, but I am so thoroughly excited about everything I got.

From Jeffree Star, I'd been lusting after Gemini since I first saw the previews for it. However, I was always a broke bitch whenever it came out, so I waited patiently until I got paid and he restocked. While I was on his site, I also picked up Rose Matter. Gemini is a gorgeous terracotta nude, and I can't wait to put it all over my face. Rose Matter is a rosey coral, and I absolutely adore it. I didn't want this shade at first, but after seeing it all over different Instagram pages and Facebook makeup groups, I decided I needed it.

From Colourpop, it was a long awaited order. I originally got Trust Me in the MatteX formula when they were doing it as a limited edition shade, and I absolutely fell hard for that formula. They launched new shades in the formula, available as a part of their permanent line, and I couldn't pass up getting some once I finally made an order. I picked up Cami, a neutral mauve pink, and Back Up, a mid-toned plum. From their other liquid lipstick formulas, I picked up Frick 'n Frack Ultra Satin Lip, which is a rosy terracotta. For Ultra Mattes, I picked up Bumble (another terracotta...) and Creeper, a true blue-based red.

Colourpop also has some new products in their line, in the form of brow products and sculpting sticks. I picked up Dove sculpting stick, to see how I like the formula, and Red Head brow pencil, because who doesn't need another brow pencil in their life?


july playlist

Long time, no playlist. I've been working on this since late May, pretty much. There's no real rhyme or reason to it, but I'm loving all of these songs lately.

how i became body positive even after my body started hating me

It's no secret now that my body hates me. If you follow me on Twitter, or read my blog for a while, you'd know I suffer from chronic pain, and have been since I was 16. In a nutshell, my body hates me. It always has. I've never reacted well to medicine, and when I started taking it on the regular, my body begun to hate me.

I started birth control when I was sixteen, and it was fine and dandy for a while. Then the chronic pain started. It started on a Friday night when I was in high school, and I remember being in such excruciating pain that I was laying on my bathroom floor for an hour. I couldn't get up to get my mom for help. I couldn't do anything. That was when my body started to hate me, and I mean really hate me.

After switching birth controls to maintain heavy periods, the chronic cramping would start. I'd have to call out of school, I'd have to lay down on the couch in pain on the weekends. It wasn't fun. I almost went to the ER when it was bad, but that never came up.

After I started beauty school, the pain went away for a while. Then, when I was about halfway through my program. I got sent home because my cramping was so bad that I couldn't function or perform services. It was horrendous. When it got to that point, I started seeing doctors and they would put me on different birth control. I started gaining weight. From the time I graduated high school to now, I've gained 70 pounds.

I hated my body. And it hated me.

A surgery and more birth control later, my body decided to strike back. I'd call out of work. I'd wake up in the middle of the night with horrible pain. I'd have chest pain. I thought I was going to have a heart attack at 21. Thankfully, that wasn't the case. But, it was still terrifying.

After a while, I'd just sit and look at myself and try to tell myself that I loved who I was. I'd always tried to jump onto the body positivity train, and it would work for a week, and then I'd go back to hating my thighs, my stomach, everything about me. I'd do anything I could to look tinier than I was, and I'd do anything I could to make sure people wouldn't look at me.

To be honest, I don't know what changed. Part of it could be that I started dressing differently, and I started going on hikes, going out and leaving the house. I don't know if it was my major breakup. It could be so many combinations of things. I fucking love who I am now, and what my body looks like. We all have parts we would change, and I still have those. But at the same time, some of those things I can't change. I can't go and change the chronic pain right away, but I can work as hard as I can to treat it and make it manageable.